September 10th, 2004

So yesterday, I decided it would be nice to go to the casino. I’ve been hooked as of lately to the magical blinking lights and majestic clinks and clanks of the spinning slot machines. I think there hasn’t been a day when I haven’t been to a casino. It was nearing 1:30 PM, a little early to be heading to the casino… but I was starving. I hadn’t eaten all day, so I was getting a little jittery.
I figured I could kill two birds with one stone… hit the casino’s all you could eat buffet, and then head on over to play some blackjack or something. Too bad they don’t have Casino Bookworm. Cause I rock at that game. Rock it hard too.

Because of the time, traffic was blinging. I don’t mean to be stereotypical or anything… but I don’t think St Louisian’s have cought on to this thing I like to call driving. Hell, I’m not a fan of defensive driving, but these guys have a blatant disregard for red lights, speed limits, pedestrians, road monkeys, common courtesy and just plain, good, old fashioned common sense.
Every hour, I see more than ten people rush the red light Emmit Smith style. Thank goodness this isn’t Taiwan… cause I’d see more flipped mopeds around.

Anyhoo, on the way to the casino, I see this green beamer doing about 95, coming up real fast on my six. I’m only doing 70, so I speed up a little to change lanes and let the bastard pass me. Little to my knowledge, while I was checking my rear views and blind spots to make sure I could switch over safely… there was a freaking cop, sitting on the side of the road, clocking me and no one else. Them bitches ain’t about shit. Ten minutes later, I’m back on the road, with another speeding violation and a salty forecast in the weather. At least the fucker didn’t keep me sitting there for forty minutes, Milwaukee Pork style, so my intent to drop some Wu Tang Flying Meteor style on his ass wasn’t as overwhelming like all the other times.

But I digress… this shit ain’t spoiling my gambling, god dammit. At this point, I’m ready to gnaw my arm off. My stomache is growling like mad, so I bee line it to the buffet line. Doh!!! Closed until 4PM dinner time. SONS OF BITCHES!!! I got there just in time to see the lady close off the buffet queue, and tell me to come back later and to have a nice day. The Wu Tang Flying Meteor style was inevitable at this point… someone was gonna die.

But alas… a turning point??? As if the karma spiral had completed a revolution right then and there, the casino manager just happens to walk by and saw the power of the Wu Tang Flying Meteor styles flowing though my veins. Actually… it was more like he saw my ass, walking away all dissapointed like with the thought of missing out on all you can eat pork chops, and he felt sorry for me. He stopped me, apologized and asked if I wanted a complimentary.

A complimentary what??? Hong Kong style massage with release??? No thanks burly guy, I’m good on that tip. But he grabs my player’s card from my hand and takes off with it. He mutters something to me, but I couldn’t hear with all the racket of the slot machines. I follow him, cause it’s a pain in the ass to get another player’s card. Confused, I stand at the front desk as he’s jotting some stuff down on his computer. Ten minutes later, he hands me my card, and a twenty dollar casino check to use at any of the restaurants in the casino.

Killer Boots man.

And here’s where it all snowballs. I go to the Sports Bar, cause at this time, the Sports Bar was the only restaurant open in the place. While I’m waiting to get seated… I see that the Roller Coaster Tycoon Pinball machine is loaded with 5 credits.

BINGO!!!

I ask for the table located closest to the machine and rock it out proper. I use 2 credits, won an extra credit, got bored with the machine and ordered my food. With twenty bucks, I managed to get three Heinekens, a Cheesburger with waffle fries, and a mud pie. The bill came out to twenty dollars and thrity one cents.

SLAPADOODLEPOP!!!

I put 5 dollars and thirty one cents on the table to cover the rest plus tip, and I’m off. I’m basically running on karma right now, so I’m quick to jump on a table. But alas… table games are closed before 5PM. FUCK!!! Whatever… I saved twenty bucks on food… might as well use it on a slot machine. You know, give back to the community that gave to you. Anyhoo, twenty bucks equals 80 credits on a quarter slot. I was kinda tipsy offa three Hienies, so time kinda flew by like a mofo. Before long, I’m down to about 30 credits and my karma was running low as well. I decide to give it one last spin, before I cash out and go somewhere else. And luck smiles upon me once again. 300 credits.. pladow!!! In your face, Jesus!!!

But instead of cashing out like a smart person would do, I put an extra dollar in for shits and giggle… next spin… 100 more credits!!! Bam… in just a few hours, I sextuple my cash, if that’s a word, I just like saying sex. Not bad for a guy that is born with bad luck.

Anyhoo, the winnings will just about cover the cost of my ticket. So instead of losing, I break even… sorta. And look… I’m now looking at the bright side of things. My insurance is gonna rape me some more on them premiums, however, but hopefully Geico can help my ass in that department.

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